Lost motivation

Cold. Lifeless. Hopeless. The cello sat in its case looking so beautiful. Soft amber hues. Each grain gliding, slightly curving from shoulder to tail. Bridge standing tall. Silvery strings taut and attentive. Everything about the instrument invites me, begs me to take her out and practice until I can't get anything I do, wrong. The music swirls inside my head. All the years of study and listening. I can name almost any piece, that comes on the radio, within a few notes or if not sure a few seconds worth of listening. If I can't name the piece I go for the composer based on the use of harmony, sonority, instrumentation.

I love music. It invigorates me just to hear the music that I have known since I was a child come singing through the speakers in a public space or store unexpectedly. There is nothing I know better than how better than to play music on a cello. That's what I studied the longest and most diligently for 15 years straight. All those cello lessons from my beginner moments when I was 8 and 9 years old--having to relearn posture on the cello, compared to the violin, was not as easy as I my young mind had imagined.

The struggle was real. Sitting and holding something that was touching the floor at one point didn't allow me to move like I had been able to with the violin. This would be a great disability until my masters degree nearly 15 years later. There seemed to be no way that I could get comfortable and therefore I played with tension throughout my back, arms, and hands. Fortunately, I overcame much of that problem. Now, the problem is quite different. It lies not partially, but completely within my brain, my thoughts as though they were permanent fixtures attached to a building.

Progress in cello had been slow. Progress in career had been even slower. Nothing I did could help me overcome my greatest blockade; my belief that I was incapable. And even after some small victories I struggle to advance my career. Now, it is more to the affect that it seems like too much effort. Finding a suitable audition or rounding up students or practicing with a regular musical partner, it all requires so much moving, organizing, and the most agonizing one of all is the necessity of money to get where I want to go. The efforts are real and enormous--in my head.

Well into my 30's I have little to say for what I have invested and shrink back from diving into new territory, expending the energy to get where I think I'd like to be seems to great a task. The unknowns swirling inside my head ever suggesting that the risks are great and the rewards to small. Perhaps it is better to eke out the living I have always done, dependent on others to get me one student here, wait for the call that will pay me enough to buy a week's worth of groceries (or two if I am lucky).

Scared. It's scary. That's what I have always thought. I don't know how I came to that conclusion. I have always decided before I experienced it that it must be scary. How does that work? How does one think it scary before even going through it? The human experience is so strange. The mind confusedly winds in and out of negative thoughts with the occasional ray of sunlight to keep my going. Unfortunately, the underlying thought pattern has been to defeat any progress before any attempt has been made.

Even now, writing this blog is a defeat. (Practice, post videos, direct traffic to your efforts, send out CV's, let people know you are available for work...)

Breaking in a New Cello

Now that the search and purchase was over and done with I could focus my attention on practicing. The instrument was fantastic. Yes, that is true. However, it was a change. We all know that change is welcomed on many occasions but at the same time can be a challenge to overcome too. I was used to a larger instrument, but that wasn't a big deal. The smaller bouts were greeted with pleasure since it was actually easier to sit with. As I mentioned before, the response was immediate and full of vibrations that wouldn't die away seemingly forever, that was just awesome. That was one of the big reasons I liked the Wheedbee so much in the first place--no problem there.

What was the biggest challenge of changes that I faced? Mainly it was the learning curve on what a new instrument would do when faced with changing weather and climates. A synopsis of this cello's history: 1) Whedbee put the final coat of varnish on it only in early July 2008, 2) the cello was setup--end pin installed, bridged carved and fitted, strings put on for the very first time--just weeks before I went to Bein and Fushi for the first time looking for cellos, 3) I was practically the first to play on the instrument during that first trip to the shop, 4) I was the first owner of this cello.

What does all that mean as far as getting used to the instrument? In reality, it wasn't me getting used to the cello as much as the wood was getting used to its new found structure, that is, in the shape of a cello. Wood planks are chiseled, planed and sanded to get the right thickness and shape. The bouts --sides of the cello, which are curved--in addition to the chiseling, are also molded into the shape. The parts are glued and clamped together in a long and exacting process, assembling the cello piece by piece until you get the body or box of the instrument. The neck is glued into place as well to finish the process of the main cello. For the cello to withstand the immense amount of pressure that the steel strings have on the instrument it has to be precisely fitted and glued, even reinforced at strategic spots so the whole thing will not simply snap in two once the strings are tightened up.

Although tension is high once the strings are in place and tight, the wooden instruments--held together by glue--somehow withstands the rigors of vibration and being picked and put down, transported in a case and even bumped (by accident). However, just like a person being pulled from one side and then another--"Hey, come with me", "No, come with me", sort of a feeling--the cello also gets this treatment. After all, the wood was forced--molded--into the curved shapes and then glued together. Can't you imagine the person being pulled in one direction then another would want to revert back to his/her relaxed position? That's what's happening with the cello but on a continuous basis from the very first time the pieces were glued together. All this time it is resisting the changes and seeks to "relax" itself, reducing the tension placed upon the seams, or where the pieces of wood were glued together.

The seams are the pressure release valves on a cello. If the tension is off or becomes unbearable for the instrument this is usually the first place to go. The seam opens up and therefore releases the tension and, consequently, also half of the sound. The first time this happened on this cello I was wasn't expecting it at all. After all, it was brand new. What was there that should go wrong with a new instrument?

It was November 2008 and the weather had changed to the cooler and dryer climate of the ensuing winter months. The heat was on in the apartment and the moisture was being evaporated as fast as it was produced. That's life in the Midwest. I guess I was thinking that it was new and didn't need quite the attention as my old cello did. WRONG. And quite possibly the biggest factor that I hadn't accounted for was the fact that my cello was finished up in the middle of summer when the humidity was the highest and the temperatures were the hottest. Does wood expand when it's wet? Does wood contract when it's dry? Yes, and yes again.

Not only was the tension of the strings bearing down on the glued seams but the dry air was sucking all the moisture out of the wood and causing the pieces to shrink. Now I was dealing with a cello that was trying to pull itself apart. The glue couldn't hold any longer and finally let go allowing the seam to open along the back of the cello down at the bottom near the end pin. This happened several more times during the Winter. Luckily, I know benevolent luthiers who are also really good at repairing string instruments, so it didn't cost too much.

In the end, I did learn a lot about an instrument and how it "grows" into it's determined shaped. It takes time for it to adjust to the tension and the expanding with humid days along with the opposite pull during dry days. Now I just moisten the humidifiers in the cello case every day during the Fall and Winter regardless of the humidity inside or out. The easiest way to avoid going to the luthier unnecessarily is by keeping the humidity level up.

Youtube cello

Hey everybody. I will be be starting a Youtube account that will have a lot of cello videos on it. I am starting a regimen of learning and posting new works on a weekly basis. The 1-2 page pieces will be posted on a weekly basis and the longer pieces such as concertos and character pieces that are three or more pages will be posted after two weeks. It's my goal to learn a new short work every week and a new lengthier work at least every other week. I will post them whether they are perfect or not intending for you to critique my performance as I learn. Once I have received some insightful, positive feedback on how I might improve or what you think could be different I will re-work those points and record the piece again, posting the new interpretation of the same piece.

I hope that I can find some supportive people that love music. While I'm putting my neck out there for people to criticize me I think this new undertaking will be overall positive and also a good learning experience for me. I'm looking forward to learning and playing new works for you all.

P.S. While some works will be completely new to me, as in I never properly studied them, some of them are new in the sense that I have never recorded them and posted them online before. I still consider it all new since it will be a new experience to me. Thanks for your support!

Aaron